Apprehensive Invitation

I can see her face through the crowd

I fear my thoughts may grow too loud

And possibly leave the confines of my head

I fear explaining what may be said

I play it off as if nothing is on my mind

Attempting to speak, but words I cannot find

All I can do is stand here and smile

But now I realize, I’ve been standing here a while

A few more seconds pass and then a conversation starts

A vague little conversation, mainly pieces and parts

Of subjects and times that have passed

I’m enjoying this moment, but it does not last

Soon a third voice has joined hers and mine

That drowning voice from within my mind

I become distracted and begin to argue within

I then become conflicted. Could I ever let her in?

Dare I chance appearing insane?

Afterwards, will her smile remain?

For, I fear what she may see

I convince myself she’s better off without me

Reluctantly I say my good byes

Another entry on my list of tries

Once again the monster within me has won

Killed from within, just as happiness could have begun

How long can I go on with this burden inside?

I am unaware something inside me has died

And was replaced with this monster, this self-loathing thing

I tried to end it all but accomplished nothing

All it did was make it grow strong

Now it’s always there to prove me wrong

Fill me with apathy, depression and hate

Contradict the feelings I want to create

I can see her face through the crowd

By this time my thoughts have grown too loud

They scream she’s too good for you; she’s out of your league

Quit wasting your time and finally leave

I get up and begin to walk out the door

I turn around to look at her once more

I soak up her image, her curls, her face

And walk out convinced I don’t belong in that place